Are You Where You Thought You’d Be?
03/18/2022
In two weeks, I will be 65 years old, officially on Medicare, and officially in AARP! Those are some significant milestones for many people. But there are a ton of other important milestones in our lives. Finishing school (at whatever level), starting or leaving jobs, getting married or divorced, mourning the deaths of people in our lives, and celebrating the births of others. They all can have an effect on a person, in one way or another.
So, are you where you thought you'd be? Did you plan to start your career and earn a good income to be able to afford what you want? Did you plan to marry your best friend and stay together forever? Did you have an unexpected change in your life? Did you wish for one outcome, and find yourself in a completely different situation?
I can honestly say that many of these things have occurred to me. I have had meaningful work as a pediatrician, where I thought my efforts were appreciated, and then found that they weren't always. I've fallen down and had to start over again, more than once. I had a marriage for a long time. We both grew in different directions and got divorced. That led me to finding my current husband, the love of my life! My husband has lost his first wife, suffered a serious injury, changed careers, remarried (me!) and had major surgery. Everyone I know has been through one or more of these life changes, whether they turned out the way they planned, or not.
I don't think any of us planned for a global pandemic and the effects it would have on all of us. People have lost loved ones, lost job situations, had to move, or had to change their school or work environment. It's been an enormous stress for nearly everyone, even if they had some beneficial results in the process (ie. some people found that working at home was a much better fit for them and want to continue to do that). We may have all been in the same “boat”, but we didn't all have the same experience.
It is common for people to think about what they thought would happen in their lives, and compare to where they really are now. That can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness. Depression and other mental or emotional problems can be a result of unfulfilled ambitions. When people have expectations about how other people will react or behave, there is the possibility that the other person's expectations may be very different.
How can we handle these feelings in a healthy way? Believe it or not, it actually can help to identify the disappointment. Acknowledging to yourself that you really hoped that your efforts would lead in a certain direction and they didn't can help you cope. Remember that it's okay to have those feelings. Trying to make the feelings “just go away” can make you feel worse! Accepting that you have an emotion, such as disappointment, allows it to gradually fade with time. Asking for help is a great skill to learn. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can help you find more balance. Another person may be able to help you focus your energy to help others.
If you find yourself creating rigid expectations, you may be setting up for more disappointment. Instead of thinking that everything must go exactly one way for it to be a success, you may want to have some flexibility. You can show yourself, and others, that being able to adapt to changes in plans or dealing with new obstacles can be healthier. “Getting lost on a road trip” can turn into “We're taking the scenic route”. If someone frequently disappoints you (they are always “late” on your schedule), you may not be able to change them, but you can manage your own expectations. Give them an earlier time to arrive, so when they are “late”, they will be there when you need them. Change your own behavior- if you always wait on dinner for them, and they can't make it on time, go ahead and eat with the other people and just save some food for the late-comer. I've had patients tell me they were “supposed to be in 4th grade, but I'm just in 3rd”. I explain that if they are in 3rd grade, that is where they are supposed to be! I've always found that the first rule of parenthood is “Be Flexible”; now, I realize it's really the first rule of life!
So, maybe you aren't exactly where you thought you'd be, but you are where you are right now! Be present. Accept your current status. That doesn't mean you won't continue to try new things, improve your situation. But, if this is where you are, that is okay.