TRANSGENDER AND NON-BINARY CHILDREN
Children are taught at a very young age that they are a “boy” or a “girl”, mainly based on their physical appearance. Many children may go through times where they announce that they are the other gender, or wish to play with “boy” or “girl” toys, or dress in different ways. These behaviors change from time to time, but the child is rarely consistent about being different.
A transgender child realizes (also at a fairly young age in some situations) that they don't feel like the gender they have been told is theirs. It is not a passing phase and the children continue to say that they are really a different gender for several months or even years. Non-Binary children may not be able to explain themselves as simply, but they realize that they don't necessarily feel like either gender all the time.
It's important to understand that “gender” does not mean “sex”. Gender is your identity as a male or female, or both or neither. Sexual orientation involves your attraction to other people for intimate relationships. While some people argue that children can't know if they are transgender, we do know that they have a clear understanding of what gender they are, far before they understand their sexual orientation. Do you remember when you were young and someone asked you if you were a boy or a girl? If you said you were a boy, and someone kept saying you were a girl, did you argue with them that they were wrong?? You knew who you really were, as young as 2 or 3 years old. Now, if you really felt like a girl and people kept telling you that you were a boy, you would feel strange and may be likely to be upset about it.
This is what happens to transgender children. They feel very strongly that they are a different gender than the one that people say they are. They may not always be able to express it clearly until later, but they frequently feel this way from a young age. Many children and teens experience “gender dysphoria” which is an emotional condition caused by the disconnect between who they feel they are and how others see them. It can cause severe anxiety or depression, result in bullying and other forms of abuse, and may cause a significantly higher risk of suicide. A study of transgender teens found that more than 50 percent of transgender males and almost 30 percent of transgender females reported attempting suicide!
The most important factor in helping prevent these serious problems is family support! Children who are supported and unconditionally loved will have improved mental health and well-being. Accepting your child can involve using the gender pronoun they want (for example, if they are a transgender female and they want to be referred to as “she”, then you use that term), using the name they want (which may not be the name you gave them at birth), and supporting their choices for their appearance and activities. Parents who take the time to educate themselves about transgender children can make a huge difference! That also extends to being a strong advocate for your child- talk with their school and make sure they are being supported, correct others who refer to your child with their old name or gender, stand up against transphobia (and other forms of discrimination), and teach your child to stand up for themselves when it is safe to do so.
If you think your child is transgender or non-binary, talk with your child's doctor. A gender-affirming provider can help you navigate the resources available. Many of those resources will depend on the age of your child. A young child will appreciate being called by their name and gender, and allowed to dress as they feel comfortable. Children who show anxiety or depression problems should be evaluated for possible medication and/or psychotherapy. Older children may have questions about hormone treatments, preventing menstrual periods, or blocking puberty. As a teen nears adulthood, they may want to talk about changing their body, questions about what their sexual orientation means to them, and how to safely explore relationships as an adult.
Dr Cheryl Coldwater is a Board-Certified Pediatrician with a background in Pediatric Mental Health. She has experience working with LGBTQ+ children and teens. You can schedule an appointment on SimplePractice.com for an office visit, virtual appointment, or a meeting in the park where we can safely distance as needed.