Cognitive Errors Part 2: Personalization
One of the most common errors in thinking is taking things personally when they don't have anything to do with you at all. You may see someone make a face or make a comment and automatically think they don't like you. Something bad happens and you blame yourself even when it is not in your control.
Many people blame themselves for past trauma. If they were abused as a child, or in a relationship, them may feel that it was their own fault. They think that if they hadn't done something or another, it wouldn't have happened. Sometimes, their abuser even tells them that! Because they are personalizing the trauma, blaming themselves, they can develop serious mental health issues.
It's also easy to personalize minor things. Another driver gets in front of you and slows down, causing you to have to slow down. “That &%@ idiot is making me late. They must hate me because I have a nice car.” You text your boyfriend/girlfriend and they don't respond immediately. “I know they don't really love me anymore and probably want to break up”. You find out later that their phone battery was dead for a while causing a delay that had nothing to do with their feelings about you.
In “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz, one of the most important lessons is “Don't Take Anything Personally”. It's not about you! People do things everyday that don't have anything to do with you; it's all about their own feelings or perceptions. Just because you perceive something you don't like doesn't mean that anything they said or did was directed at you.
I tell my patients that there are millions of people in the world who will not like them! For reasons that have nothing to do with who *they* actually are- what clothes you like, your hair or skin color, the size or shape of your body, your religion or nationality. And you can't control how they feel about you. However, there will be lots of people who will actually like you for who *you* are- will get to know you and care about you. Those are the people you will want to be friends with!
For more information about dealing with these feelings, you can call Dr. Cheryl Coldwater at 512-553-1740 or make and appointment at https://big-sky-pediatrics.clientsecure.me/.