Cognitive Errors Part 3: Disqualifying the Positive.
Have you ever had someone give you a compliment? “Your hair looks nice”. “That's a cute dress. It really looks good on you”. “You did a good job on this project”. Do you ever think “Oh, they are just saying that because they want something from me” or “Oh, this old thing, it's nothing special” or “I'm not really good at that”. Do you ever have something good happen, and think “I'm sure it won't last” or “I don't deserve good things”?
This is a cognitive error called “Disqualifying the Positive”. By constantly dismissing good things that happen or positive things people say, you are thinking that positive things don't count or aren't important. You expect bad things to happen, so you tend to think negatively about any good experience.
One exercise that I saw in a group was for each person to turn to the person next to them and give them a compliment. Some of the people knew each other well, but some didn't. It wasn't usually difficult to find something nice to say to the person. “Your eyes are beautiful”, “I love how your smile brightens your face”, or “You have really good taste in your clothes” were some of the sincere compliments. The rule was that the other person was supposed to respond to the compliment simply by saying “Thank you”. No dismissing of the compliment. No pointing out something negative about themselves to counteract the compliment. They were only allowed to accept the positive statement without any disqualification.
Not surprisingly, some people had a lot of trouble just accepting the compliments. Some just could not believe that someone else would say something nice about them for no reason, and not to gain anything from them. They kept trying to dismiss it and give excuses, but the other members of the group would not allow them to do that. They continued to encourage the person to just accept and thank the giver. It's difficult for people who think negatively about themselves to accept that anyone could find something positive about them.
If you find yourself disqualifying positive experiences, a good psychotherapist can help you learn to understand this cognitive error and learn to accept yourself as you are. For more information about how therapy can help with these problems, contact Martin Noel, LMFT-Associate at Hill Country Family Therapy.