Cognitive Errors Part 4- Shoulds and Coulds

A very common thinking error is SHOULDS AND COULDS. This is when you focus on what you think should be happening, how an experience should be, what other people should be doing, and expecting that you should feel a certain way.

You may think “People should always be on time” and make no exceptions for circumstances. When someone is not on time, doesn't do as you think they should, you can become upset or frustrated. Even if they have a good reason for being late, you may feel disappointed. It can affect how you feel about the person in the future if your mind has already made the leap to “I can't trust them to be on time”.

At other times, you may apply the SHOULDS AND COULDS to yourself. “I should go to the gym every day”. But sometimes other things happen and interfere with that “should”. Maybe you had to work late and couldn't get to the gym. Maybe you were ill and couldn't exercise. Even though those may be perfectly reasonable circumstances to prevent you from going to the gym, you may blame yourself or become over-critical of yourself. “I'm never going to exercise enough. It's not going to help anyway.” You may complain to others that “These things always happen to me. It's probably a sign that I should quit trying.”

I've asked kids in my office “What grade are you in?”. Sometimes, they say “I should be in 4th grade” (usually because they were held back a year for academic reasons). I'll tell them that “should” doesn't really matter. What grade are they actually in? They will admit that they are now in 3rd grade. I'll discuss with them that if they are in 3rd, then, that's where they are supposed to be right now. We talk about how they are doing and focus on the current experiences instead of what they think they “should” be doing.

If you catch yourself using “SHOULDS AND COULDS” either about yourself or how you feel about other people, stop and think about what actually is happening. Sometimes, people need a good psychotherapist to help them understand why they have this pattern of thinking and how to change it. My husband, Martin Noel, LMFT-Associate, is available at Hill Country Family Therapy for individual, family, or couples' therapy.